How to Cure Procrastination (Satire)

Are you finding yourself waking up late for school?

I know you guys are awake at 11pm procrastinating homework because you are awaiting unavoidable doom. Unfortunately, procrastination is a habit that is “unbreakable.” Some might even say that waiting until the last minute makes them feel more productive. Ironic because my solution requires you to not procrastinate, so quit snoozing your alarm because I have a solution.

Before you head to bed, get ready for school. This might sound a bit ridiculous, but just hear me out. If you get ready for school before going to bed, you will wake up all ready for school. This means that you won’t have to waste your time making sure you’ll look good for the camera. Then again, y’all don’t even turn your cameras on for class, so do you really need to get ready?

Anyway, put on your uniform, do your hair, and sleep outside so that you won’t have to make your bed when you wake up. Getting ready for school prior to waking up will give you more time for some beauty sleep. You also won’t have to waste your precious money on pajamas. You are killing two birds with one stone.

Now you might be wondering, “AnGiE!?!?!? wHaT aBoUt AlL tHoSe NaStY bUgS CrAwLiNg AmOnGsT tHe EaRtHs SuRfAcE?” The answer is; just eat them. Before you call me gross, don’t act like you haven’t eaten a bug before. According to literally anybody, if you sleep with your mouth open, then spiders will crawl in it. Since I know y’all sleep with your mouths open -gross by the way- that means you have probably already devoured a couple thousand delicious critters. Don’t feel bad about it though because bugs are a natural source of protein.

Now I understand that you might be feeling a little iffy about this plan especially because you can’t procrastinate while doing so, but procrastination is just a mindset. You need to find some proper motivation.

I find that putting yourself in extreme situations is the best way to motivate yourself. For example, if I don’t do my homework, then I have to touch the scary spider on my balcony. How do you know I will do it? I told my older sister. If you have siblings, you know that they won’t pass up on the opportunity to terrorize you.

Another way to avoid procrastination is to discipline yourself. Unfortunately, I don’t have discipline so you’re going to have to Google about it. Which should be too hard since you’re always on your electronic devices anyway.

I have shared this idea with some of my peers and they only had good things to say. “This is [not such] a terrible idea.” See? Nothing but positivity. Try it out and let me know how effective my idea was so that I can boost my ego.

*before trying please consult your primary health care doctor as this might cause unhygienic results*